Hypnotherapy Potential

Breaking Gridlock (couples therapy) through hypnosis

Greetings from Doc Judie,
I am winding up a series of articles which outline the bookThe Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.  This chapter always had my couples perking up because it touches every relationship; what do you do in a gridlock when neither side will give in. It can be over a series of events; some huge issues and some small ones.  The first task is to look at the issue at hand and move the standoff to dialog.  Whether the issue is really a big deal such as which religion will you pass on to your children, or as silly as how to fold the socks, it is usually a reflection that your dreams for your life have not been addressed or respected by each other. (think of dreams as hopes, aspirations, your identity and what gives purpose and meaning to your life. Most dreams have roots in the past.  For instance if making money is very important to one partner, but not the other, it could be the way they were individually raised.  One may feel the need for security, and the other may feel that money will always be there. Why does one partner love to eat out, and the other hates going to restaurants?  One experience could represent a treat because growing up, there was no money, they never ate out as a family.  The other may have been raised by working parents who were never home and always ate out with the kids or brought home fast food or take out. So talk about your past and see where these serious and not so serious issues come from. When either spouse doesn't fully appreciate the importance of supporting his or her partner's dreams, gridlock is almost inevitable.  You don't have to agree, that is not always the outcome, but you do have to listen and understand why the other person reacts.
Using a hypnotherapy script for breaking gridlock:
I recently had a couple with a very common problem, they had different "clocks" in their head.  One told time by the second hand, "I'll pick you up outside of the school year at exactly 3:p.m. The other told time "ish" I'll be there around 3 ish...it could be 3:00, 3:15, or 3:30.  So when one partner would say:"There is a birthday party coming up for your daughter and I expect you to show up. In her head, she expected her partner to "know that the party started at 4:00 and he should be there before dinner and presents, no later than 4:30.  That did not mean a thing to the other spouse.  He was at work and thought everything was under control.  It did not seem important to him to arrive before 6:00 to sing happy birthday and load everything in the car. So they had to go into each other's world.

Relax my partner and friend, I want to talk to you about the way I tell time.  I know that we fight constantly about you being so lax and me being so uptight and today lets promise to have this argument for the last time.  I will not ask you to be "on time" when it is not important, but I will be very specific and I will write the time and the date in your calender when you have to be there and you cannot be late.  This will cover school activities for the kids, doctor appointments, and date night for going to the movies.  Yes, it wrecks the whole night for me when you are late.  The spouse responded with gratitude.  In trance he was grateful as he had a very creative job and often his drawings went overtime, he had a habit of losing time.  The calender was a great reminder that he had to pay attention and he would look at the calender every day and make sure he did not miss an appointment with his spouse.  He did not miss appointments with his clients because they were marked in his calender.  She went into his concrete world, and he did not "assume" that he should know something was important. Only "important things" were writen down in the calender.  They both promised to write dates and respect them, they also agreed not to put trivial things on the calender.  The compromise sounded like a good idea to the both of them on a subconscious and conscious level.

So look at your dreams, your gridlock and see where they originate.  You may be surprised as dreams often sneak up or are hidden.  Many couples claim "they don't want children, but seven years into the marriage, one partner feels empty and years for a baby.  Don't keep your dreams and your aspirations hidden, they are what defines you and need to be discussed and either resolved, compromised and respected. You may be amazed at the outcome, Go for discussion to break your gridlock.

Here's to your happy relationships
Doc Judie
judie@docjudie.com
775 782-3889

#3 Couples address past issues
Greetings from Doc Judie
If you just picked up this blog, I am following the seven principals of marriage as outlined by John Gottman.

Gottman talks about couples that usually have a good marriage turn toward eachother and not away. He does not look for big gestures, but the boring every day interactions. One spouse may look out the window and say, I think it is starting to rain, I'll roll up the windows in your car for you.  The other spouse will look up from the newspaper and say, thanks, I'll have some hot chocolate ready for you when you come in.  Other couples appear to spend time together, but one is reading the newspaper the other watching the news on TV with no interaction outside of room mate talk. Other times it is just litter courtesies during the day; thanking someone for passing the salt, or saying "I'm going to the kitchen, do you need anything?" While other couples eat in silence, grunt at eachothers comments, or do not look up at eachother. It is not hard to see which couples have the better marriage, the ones that turn toward eachother and connect.
They don't always agree on everything, but they do respect eachothers' opinion.

I found some interesting exercises in Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that addressed past issues.
The check list for feelings about marriage:
The way I was treated in my family growing up
A previous relationship
Past injuries, hard times, or traumas I've suffered
My basic fears and insecurities
things and events I have not yet resolved or put aside
unrealized hopes I have
Ways other people treated me in the past
Things I have always thought about myself
Old nightmares or catastrophes I have worrried about

Hypnotherapy:
I thought this would be a great segway for my couples who could not let go of past issues and used hypnosis for each partner to take a trip to the past.  The scrip varies but addresses past issues that linger in the brain and translate to the present relationship.  Each partner looks at issues in their past and is instructed to let go of anything that hurt them, put them down, told them that they were not good enough or hurt them in any way.  These are old scripts that have no use in their present relationship.

Post hypnosis suggestion is to journal about these feeling and how they have brought these old feelings into their marriage and work on making it better.  Each case is different, but usually old chips on the shoulder can fall away, they understand that they are reacting  
the same way their parents did, or they are hearing a former spouse's voice. 

Through the journaling, they can then come up with one thing in the future to make a better connection their spouse. When they are comfortable with the new look at their relationship, each partner can tell the other what they would like to change. This new awareness, dialog, sharing the journals often help couples connect in a new fresh way, and let go of their past problems. Give it a try if the past is haunting your relationshlp, even if you were not aware of it.
Here's to your mental and physical health
Doc Judie
judie@docjudie.com
775 7823889

Tapping into your strength through hypnosis

Greetings from Doc Judie

I can remember my early training, using the methods drummed into my head, mainly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT.  It is what most therapists use because it gets to the point. It looks at "what is wrong" and the therapy guilds you to change your thinking and do something different. It is very useful for changing habits, but it has its drawbacks.  Like most popular theories, CBT points out "what is wrong" and does not concentrate on "what is right" with the person. 

I use a positive approach, asking a client "what is good in your life? How do your strengths get you through difficult times? What is still good in spite of your problems.  Most people can cite the reasons that they still find joy in life, a few have to be taught from the ground up before they give up and perish. 

When you come right down to the basics, humans are programmed right down to their DNA to want to live and to have a good life. The problems will always be there, and regardless of the degree of suffering and pain, you will return to a set point of happiness that you had before the tragedy. 

 A sixty year old man was recently found wandering around a desert in Southern California without food or water for 5 days.  He wrote notes to his wife and remembered his love for her, and that is what kept him alive until help arrived, that connection to his wife kept him alive. 

A mother of a 14 year old son who recently committed suicide. She has to remember that she has other children, and it is not her time to leave the earth.  She struggles with the recent tragedy, but pushes herself to take care of her grandchildren, and their innocent laughter helps to heal her heart  get through the day. It is a reminder that she has purpose, internal strength, to be here. 

A young man was recently caught "doctor shopping' for pain medication which turned into an addiction. It all started anno
cently by a doctor too eager to reach for his prescription pad to solve a problem.  My young client is in a recovery program and is counseling younger peers with addiction problems. He has moved on, using the experience in a positive way to help others.

Pain is pain, suffering is part of life,  and no one has the perfect life so accept  the human condition. You are meant to suffer and feel pain for awhile ,not block every thing that comes to you with a pill.   When you lose someone, you will be devastated, but within a two month period (most of the time, may take a little longer) eventually you will start to return to your set point of being yourself, and yes, you will be able to find joy in your life "in spite of the pain."

So accept it, "shit happens" but "happiness happens" too!  I listen to my clients as it is important to let them tell their story.  it is important to  but it equally important not to stay in the grief session after session.  Many of my clients have not found relief through traditional therapy, they state that they have spent years learning everything about their depression, they have taken pills, and they understand their condition thoroughly....but they are still depressed! 

HYPNOSIS:   I know you were waiting for me to finally get to the turn around point.  Through relaxation, breathing techniques, I help people "get back into their bodies" they often report feeling like they are floating and not in touch. The script recognizes the sad event, but does not leave the client there or direct them "not to think about their problems." Those ridiculous suggestions just don't work.  Instead, I allow the client to follow their own path, they know what they need to do far better than I ever will. Perhaps they need to mourn a little longer, they is no magical time limit.  Perhaps, they just don't feel like getting up and finding another job, they have to find themselves first. Perhaps they need to look at the picture of their lost child and not move the clothes out-let it be! (for a reasonable amount of time-the client will usually tell me "I would like to find a job within the year, or I can't feel like this for another year").

The second part of the script is to remind clients that they have strength to get through this even if they don't think that they do.  They can go back to other situations in their life and remember how they got through those periods. Through hypnosis they remember how to tap into their survivor instincts, which are much stronger than their weaknesses.
The problems will "always be there" or new ones will crop up, but how they deal with it and how they learn to build up their energy is what they find through the hypnotherapy sessions.

What helps? I often take the clues from the clients. Do they want to be with family and friends, or do they prefer to be alone? Would they like to try journaling or would they rather turn to a daily walk? Isolation is good for awhile, but humans are social creatures, and that connection is healing and necessary.

There are a few of my clients that are so down that they do need help from a mental health professional or a medical doctor, at least for awhile, but most people will come out of their grief and  they want to  find their way back to a life worth living, they are just stuck for awhile.

 So whatever you are going through, know that you will get through it with your strengths, even if you don't know what they are right now.  Lean on others when it gets too tough, or get out of your self for a little while and go help someone else. The problems, the hurt, the loss will never leave you; but you are a survivor, you have made it this far and you have the genetic code to get through the sad times and yes, even feel joy and happiness again. 
Hypnosis can help with the process, find a licensed ASCH professional in your area or give me a call.

Here's to your mental and physical health
Doc Judie
judie@docjudie.com
775 7823889

.   

Moving on through hypnosis

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.”

Greetings from Doc Judie

There seems to be a flood of clients that want to "move on" from their past and have a fresh new start.  Several of them are relocating.  In many cases, I think this is a good idea, a fresh new start, a new beginning, a chance to start over. There is a catch to the move; my clients have to do their homework, clean up their past or it will follow them wherever they go.

Here are a few examples:

Mary loves her husband, she will always love him, and he will always love her, but after ten years of marriage,  he has told her that he is gay. The couple has been working through their transition for over a year. At first they wanted to stay together, but Mary could not live with the life change of her husband.  She has filed for  divorce and is moving across the country to be with her daughter and her grand children from a previous marriage.. In one year, Mary has gone from being devastated to looking forward to a new place and a new life.  She meditates, does her breathing exercises and journels every evening.  She focuses on what her new life will bring to her and has said good bye to her life with her husband. I facilitated a final goodbye session.  It was very touching as both parties have great love and respect for one another. In the final session I gave them the suggestion that they had traveled for many miles together, but now there was a fork in the road, they are each taking a different direction. They will have new experiences, but they may chose to stay in touch with each other after a period of time.  They each said their good byes and were ready to move on, looking forward to their new life without eachother.

My second client has to leave the state of Nevada.  He has been in trouble with his family and the law for gambling debts.  His wife and children have left him and he feels alone and at times suicidal. After many sessions, he started to understand why gambling was in his life.  It was his "quick fix" when everything else in his life was not going right.  He could finally see what a destructive force gambling was and how it was taking away his life, his savings and his family. Amino Balance and Neurolift helped with the impulse control and hypnosis helped him to find a new path. Sometimes when it seems nothing is left, a person has to rebuild slowly and still be able to see a small flame of hope that lives within their soul. No matter how small, it will grow.  He decided that Nevada was not the place for him.  He loved the ocean, he used to sail and contacted old friends in San Diego, California.  He is working on boats and is building a new life.  He never thinks of his gambling days, he has learned from his past, he has moved on.

My third client has lost her job, she has cancer and does not have long to live. Through many sessions she has made peace with her illness and has chosen to enjoy her remaining days doing what she wants to do which involves travel.  She sold her house and feels that for the first time in her life "she is alive' even though it may not be for long. Her message is "live every day like it is your last and you will find happiness." she is ready to move on.

A new place, a new environment, new friends stimulate all of us.  It may be what you need, but don't just jump without doing the work and cleaning up your past or your problems will follow you to your new location.  So if a trip to Europe, living in Mexico,moving to the coast or to the mountains sounds like pure tonic to you...what are you waiting for!  Go with a clean slate, enjoy your new life and find your happiness.
Here's to your mental and physical health
Doc Judie
775 782-3889 judie@docjudie.com