Hypnotherapy Potential

How to stay connected in a relationship

Greetings from Doc Judie

I am just winding up a mini series about relationships following The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, the foremost relationship expert.  Gottman's final chapter is the spiritual essence of a relationship.  It is so much more than being a room mate, raising kids, paying bills and sharing chores.  What will keep you in sync with this person for years to come?  No matter how compatible you are now, you have to work on your relationship, do the maintenance and keep it growing.  Gottman breaks it down to "5 magic hours a week to connect"  when you part or reunite, ask about the day's events, find out what is happening in your partners life away from you. Show some affection with holding, touching, connecting.  Let your kiss be a way of erasing any minor irritations that have built up over the day, let your partner know that there is tenderness, forgiveness and gratitude for their presence in your life.
  
You have to put effort into a relationship or you will survive, but only as room mates. A relationship is so much more. Go on a weekly date, it does not have to be wine and candles every week, it can be low key, but put in a couple of hours of couples time without distractions. All this effort is for your on going relationship to thrive, but it is also for your health. Gottman states:"Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club."

Gottman's last words of advise were to be humble, it is o.k. to be wrong and say, I am sorry.  It is also just fine to be grateful and express this to your partner.  So talk about your relationship either on "your date night' or using this hypnotherapy script:

Lay down with me and unwind from the long day.  It is time to rest and regardless of what has happened to day, I am grateful that I have you to lay beside me, to hold me, and to comfort me. Sometimes I need to talk to you, and sometimes, I just need to be still beside you, we are still communicating. I like it when you show your kindness and that you care by the small things that you do. Thank you for starting dinner when I was late, or picking up the kids and giving me a few extra minutes to finish up at work.  Thank you for making sure that my "favorite jerseys" were ready for my race on Sunday and the new socks.  You do a thousand things for me without expecting a thank you, so this is my general thank you for all that you do.  I can't repay every kindness, but I hope that you will notice the things that I do for you as well...see, I am even covering your shoulders and tucking the covers around you. Enjoy your favorite coffee and fresh rolls in the refrigerator tomorrow.  I will have to leave early, but it is my way of letting you know that I am thinking of you. As we rest, know that I am grateful for our union, and that we can "respectfully disagree" on many issues.  We feel safe enough to voice our own opinions, but on the big picture, we share common dreams, we are connected, and we are better together than apart.   I want you to hear this every night.  I lovey and each year, with more experiences, more shared joys and even shared sorrows, I am glad you are beside me.

(obviously this is just a script that I used in my marriage, you can fill in your own) Really great to alternate and before you drift off, state your script, let the other partner just listen, alternate the following night.  Great way to end the day.

Your relationship is as good as you want it to be, put some effort into it and enjoy your spiritual connection that will grow stronger year after year.

Here's to your great on going relationship
Doc Judie
judie@docjudie.com
775 7823889

Couples Resolution

Greetings from Doc Judie
I am giving you a few tips from  John Gottman's The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work and adding my own hypnotherapy in a script form.  It is interesting to watch couples change, grow, come together, or run for the door!  Most stay and work on the new techniques with degrees of success.  Most report they are glad they came and their marriage or partnership is better because of the sessions and homework. 

Gottman's 5th principal deals with conflict resolution because when an argument takes place, no one is every right! Some things will not change, you may never get along with the in-laws, you may never go to a ball game or a musical together, but it doesn't mean that your marriage cannot thrive anyway. Gottman's advise is to lighten up, give your partner lots of room and know that there is enough good to overlook the faults.  Also for a relationship to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments.  So exactly what do these "happy couples" do when a conflict comes up and they are ready to go into full rage or a shouting match.  

Gottman's says:Soften your startup: Be gentle when you ask for something or complain. Don't use criticism or attack your mate. "I really could use a hand with getting ready for company,  I am overwhelmed and overloaded?" If you soften the bid and prevent going for the jugular the results will be either war or retreat on your partner's part. ( the negative bid would be "Can't you see I am breaking my back while you sit on your ass watching TV). Instead have a meaningful productive discussion. The rest is common sense, but difficult to do when you are angry. So take a deep breathe, think of what you are going to say, don't evaluate or judge and be very clear in your request. Don't be general be specific and ask softly:" Could you vacumn while I start the dinner, I really appreciate the hour that you will be saving me, I might even have time for a quick shower!  When your partner gives in, be appreciative, even if the vacuuming isn't to your standards; it is a compromise-be grateful. It cuts both ways. Another conversation could be " I noticed that there is another dent in the car." How did it happen and how can I help to keep you safe. If you are rushing around on a tight time schedule, maybe I can drop off the kids or help you out. Let me know what I can do." It is better than a harsh "Oh crap not again, when will you learn to drive!"  (would you like to fill in the blanks on how that conversation will end up!)

Hypnotherapy script:
You have come far together as a couple and it seems that you want your future to be happy. Just hold each other for a few minutes before you tackle your problem and take deep breaths together, it will clear your mind. (if your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute you won't be able to hear what your partner is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try) 

 It is obvious that you care for each other, but sometimes the disagreements tend to be negative and they don't have to be.  It will take practice and it won't always work out, but most of the arguments over time can have a better outcome.

If your minds could connect, perhaps you would like to start like this: " I have known you for such a long time that I know this subject will scare you, so I will not be critical, or scare you or make you feel unappreciated.  Before I talk to you I will calm down and say things in a way that you feel safe and know that I still love you.  I will listen when you talk and if things are getting uncomfortable, we will agree to take a break or come back to this subject at a later time.  If I am wrong, I will apologize, lets agree to start again. I will listen to your point and even if I don't agree,I will respect your opinion and I ask you to respect mine.  When we have a disagreement, it is not your problem, it is "our problem.: (O.K. now talk about the dent in the fender or the bounced checks-it will go down easier-give it a try.

Here is to your mental and physical health
and your on-going happy relationship
Doc Judie
judie@docjudie.com
775 7823889 

The Resistant Partner

Greetings from Doc Judie

I am following the relationship outline from John Gottman's The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work. I am right in the middle of the fourth principal, resistance to sharing power and it is really getting interesting.This  is usually when couples show up for help; what to do when one person is willing to work on a relationship and the other isn't? 

Couples who shared the power and listened to eachother's input were less likely to get divorced states Gottman.. "When a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81% chance that the marriage will self-destruct!" When there is resistance to sharing power, the four horsemen show up, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling the union will be damaged. This does not mean that couples agree on everything. The union can take differences of opinion, heated discussion,and even a healthy shouting match as long as the main decisions are made together. This builds a firm foundation for compromising and longivity of the partnership.

Life is very different than the marriages of your parents generation and division of power. Over 65% of couples both work, breadwinning is shared, both men and women have learned new egalitarian roles for survival and happiness in the 20th century.

I address changing roles for couples who feel that they have definite roles and do not let their mate into their territory.  They often live side by side.  When the woman says: "Bob handles all the business decisions, I just take care of the kids and the house." or " when the man states: Look, I handle the big projects, I build the house and take care of the yard, she would just get in my way. I count on her to make the meals, do the correspondence and keep the house in order." You both have to remember that you both own your marriage or partnership, and helping, sharing and accepting influence from each others' is a cornerstone of success.  No one likes to be kept in the dark, or there is emotional laziness creeps in.

Hypnotherapy script:
You both met, talked about your dreams and you want to continue this  journey together.   You don't know how long your time together  will last, but while it does, I am sure that you want to give it the very best chance for success. Every relationshp has a few flaws, but the successful ones talk about it when one partner is feeling shut out.  This usually shows up in the bedroom, and you want to be connected emotionally and physically, so consider this exercise an insurance policy or preventive medicine for what ailes your teamwork. Of course there is a natural division of power, but think of yourself as equal partners and your relationship is your joint-venture, your company.  If one partner is away,enabled, or dies, you want the other partner to know everything that is going on. Is is very sad to see older couples who lived different lives under the same roof.  When one spouse dies, the other does not know what they own or where to find the deed to the house or bank accounts.  The other may fall apart because they have never run a vacumn cleaner or even turned on the microwave oven.  So take a journey "into each others' world" see the partnership from the other person's viewpoint.  What are the mutual goals.  Don't you find that the burden of paying bills, saving money, planning for the future, or getting through rough times is an easier load when both partners know what is going on and both partners have a say on the income? Take a few minutes and discuss the dreams.  Are they still the same as when you first met? How have they changed for each partner? Does one want to save for a truck, does the other want to put money away for the kids college?  Perhaps one partner really likes to cook and clean but hates yard work and construction.  That is fine, it is agreed, but you can still ask what the ingredients are in the main dish, be grateful for the delicious meal, or even request different foods and plan together. Perhaps the other partner does not understand construction, but would like to give input on how the space will be used, share the floor plan and explain how it goes together. Educating each other can really be fun, don't you agree? Share each other world; give each other some private time off-"honey, why don't you play golf today and I'll answer the phones." or perhaps the woman needs a break for a day hike and the man is willing to take the kids to school and put together a dinner when she returns. Think of ways you can go into each thers world, share the goals and plan time together for a trip together.  You are a team and it has more power, more earning potential, more creativity than two minds working alone. It may take some time to overlap and share the power, but it is worth it and will strengthen your union by 80%!  Celerate what you have accomplished together

Here's to your physical, mental health and
your great team work as a couple
Doc Judie
judie@docjudie.com
775 7823889

Bids for your partners attention

Greetings from Doc Judie

The mini series continues on lessons from John Gottman's  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
This blog deals with "bidding" for attention, acknowledgement, sharing, humor, emotional connection and romance. A partnership of saying thanks for a great meal, do you want this section of the paper? I bought your favorite cereal, come in here and look at the sunset with me, etc. are the little connectors that keep a marriage or partnership going strong.  Gottman calls it the glue of a good relationship to stay connected and "turn toward the other partner." It takes an effort to listen, respond and help each other, even the little mundane moments add to a couples stability.  It is a matter of going into the other person's world, seeing how they look at life events.  If this is not the way you interact with your partner, and it is just living side by side, it will take work to turn it around, but like anything else, habits change with practice.

If there is coldness, indifference or fear of rejection, each partner may be dealing with past issues
Talk about the way you were treated growing up, past injuries,hard times,fears and insecurities. You may realize that you are just reacting to old images that keep playing in your head like a broken record.

Hypnosis:
When I see couples in this state, I often use hypnosis and tapping techniques to break the old messages.
My script is individual for each couple, but generally it goes like this:
"We have been together for a long time, some pretty good years, and some rough times.  We are here together because we want our relationship to be better, but we don't know how to do it.  Maybe it is not as difficult as we think, we have just lost our way and picked up some habits along the way.  I want you to know that there are things that I keep to myself, perhaps I don't let you in because I am afraid you will judge me or not respect me.  Sometimes I don't share my world with you and I am tired and not very affectionate.  I don't mean to leave you out and I now change this.  I am willing to take responsibility for my part in drifting apart.  (two minutes of being quiet to come up with ways to change, they can state it in trance to each other or write it and share it later).  Even if we don't show it, we have been together for a long time and we can both make our relationship better in the future (again two more minutes for reflection on how they can make it better).
We agree on letting each other in, sharing our thoughts and listening to each other.  Maybe thats all we need  It may turn around right away, or it could take a little work.  I am willing if you are willing.  (two more minutes for a commitment from each).

Tapping: I do the same type of script starting out in the "negative" addressing the problem, and then turing it to a positive statement.  Even though I have been distant from my partner, I completely accept myself.  By the end statement, "Perhaps I can show more affection to my partner and not be so distant, and I accept myself." (look up the blog on tapping techniques if you are not familiar with this process.

Hope these tips are helping you with your relationship.
Here's to your mental and physical health
Doc Judie
judie@docjudie.com
775 782-3889

Nurture your fondness and admiration  in a relationship (part #2)

Greetings from Doc Judie
 I am reviewing the principals of a good marriage or relationship, following the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work  by John
Gottman. The last blog discussed the "love map" knowing what your partner is feeling and thinking-being aware of your partner is essential in a good relationship. Remembering a birthday, anniversary, even down to "how old are the kids now" are signs of  being connected as a couple/ family or still living a single life. The second lesson from Gottman is nurturing fondness and admiration for eachother.

Fondness and Admiration: Go back to the first meeting, what was the attraction? What did our partner do that you admired, what traits touched your heart, turned you on, or made you laugh or feel appreciated? If the relationship still has a functioning fondness and admiration system in tack, the relationship is usually in good shape, or salvageable if the history and the memories are still there.  It is emotional laziness at times to take the relationship, the marriage or the family for granted and not make an effort to connect.  Dinner together, Time spent together, holding eachother at night and  keeping the flame burning by small gestures of kindness and affection are -not just part of the courting process, they are the glue that keeps a couple together.

Couples who can remember their history fondly usually still feel admiration and fondness, if they cannot remember their history, or distort any good memories, their relationship usually needs help.  All that "having fun stuff" buffers when the bad times hit.

How hypnosis can help with this process:
I often use hypnosis to jog the memories of what each partner found endearing in the other.  How long has it been since they gave eachother a compliment, did little things for eachother, it is easy to drift apart, it takes conscious effort. During the hypnotherapy portion of counseling, the couples recap (a list that they have each given me of positive traits) they go to times when the partner made them feel accepted, sexy, proud, laughed at jokes,made a special dinner, etc.) Sometimes there is not much on the list and the hypnosis helps the partners remember. Sometimes it confirms that there really was never any fondness or admiration even in the beginning-obviously that is a sign that much work has to be done for improvement. Often there is admiration and fondness but it is buried under hurt feelings and betrayals. 

Through hypnosis, the positive points of a relationship are brought out  for the subconscious mind to process. Memories of the wedding, first time you moved in together, struggling through difficult times together and what you have achieved together Is your life at this point better with the other person in it in spite of all the problems. What are you grateful for that you have never expressed to the other partner. It is so easy to spend all of the counseling session working on the problems, but that is not my focus.  Couples that come to me really want to get better, have a better relationship.  It is important to know that the problems will always be there.  Money may be tight, blended families are always a challenge, different work schedules, different tastes, and always disagreements.  That is all part of life, part of a learning how to be together  The shift comes with the attitude that there is more good things about being together, more admiration, more fondness.  When the concentration is there, suddenly the towels on the bathroom floor, the dirty dishes, long hours at work etc. can all be worked out.  Every day let that partner know your life is better with him/her. Work on your fondness and admiration.
Here's to your mental and physical health and your long loving relationship
Doc Judie
judie@docjudie.com
775 7823889

Hypnotherapy for Couples

By the time a couple comes to therapy for a broken marriage, they have been in a stressful situation for a long time. They may have seen one or more counselors along the bumpy road, and hypnotherapy is often a "last resort."  I often have one party to the marriage seek me out privately and cry out "just fix him/or her and make it go back the way it was." That request is like putting toothpaste back in the tube, once out, it won't go back!  So I offer a new solution, "your old marriage is not working or you would not be here. how about a fresh new start?" So instead of just doing normal therapy and fixing the immediate problem, I work harder by using both sides of the brain to sort out the steps that led the couple to my office and "learn" from the mistakes. I start with the basic intake to see where the stressors are lying: Finances, life changes, kids moving out, pregnancies, affairs, drugs, alcohol etc. I then ask them what they do to take care of their health. Are they eating well, exercising, sleeping? I often suggest amino acids as their brain neurotransmitters levels are usually low in stressful situations. The amino acids are specific fuels used to create natural "feel good" chemicals in the body. Usually Phenylalaine, GABA, and Trytophan can restore norepinephrine and serotonin;  the feel good chemicals of the brain.

If my clients don't feel good, they cannot put up with even the smallest amount of stress? Deep diaphram breathing is taught to break tension, learning how to control emotions, stopping throughts before they fly out of the mouth is part of the program,. Finally putting all the problems out on the table and concentrating on solutions and how things can be better

If my couples are willing to work and want the marriage to succeed and get better, it usually does.  I always ask, how bad do you want to fix the problem, and what are you willing to do on your part to make things better.  I then stand back and let them come up with their own solutions.  This is where hypnotherapy comes into play.

In a tense stressful situation where both sides are defensive, I often do not get much cooperation from the conscious, judgemental portion of the brain because it is holding on to its point of view and fighting for it.  When my couples are hypnotized, they relax, they let go of their prejudices and righteous stances and go to the creative subconscious where they can see possible solutions.  I guide them through memories of good times and how they would like it to be,, but they usually do most of the visualization.  Hypnosis does not mean a lot of chatter.  Sometimes just setting the stage, offering a scenario and being quiet is all that is necessary.  The subconscious mind will go where it wants to go and find solutions to the problems.

I find that using hypnosis along with traditional therapy is the best combination of therapy that I can offer my clients.  It is easier on them, more effective and they usually solve their problems (or quit immediately)  If there is hope, they will find the way with their eyes closed!

Here's to your mental and physical health
Doc Judie 775 782-3889 judie@docjudie.com