Hypnotherapy Potential

Money $ Love and Marriage

Greetings from Doc Judie

On this series of finding out how couples can be happy, it is time to put the heart and flowers aside for a few minutes and talk about money. Besides sex, talking about money is a taboo subject.  Most young couples start out with "what is mine is yours" most older couples who have married before usually have a different approach.  There is not a right or wrong, this is not about pre-nubs vs sharing everything, but it is about communication and how both of you feel about money.  What does it mean to you? Are you a spender or a saver? How does your view point about money affect you as a couple, do you discuss it?  Don't keep money secrets from each other, remember the money belongs to both of you.  Your life together is a business, and both of you are equal partners.  Remember Gottman's words about "equal power" if it is not shared, 80% of marriages will blow!  So share the pennies and build up the dollars together. Most reports on money are that couples earn much more than they ever would as a single person. The average for a single person is around $25,000 as a couple it jumps to over $100,000...this could be fantastic news if you are both rowing in the same direction. So if you are a "nerd" the saver, or the "free spirit" the spender, get it together.  I have borrowed from Dave Ramsey, I don't always agree with his political savvy, but i love his spin on money as I am more of the free spirit type.  I always feel that I have enough and should shower the rest on my kids, my grandchildren, and my friends.  However, as I am getting past the mid-age mark, I don't ever want to be a burden to my family and I am becoming more of the the "nerd!" It is possible to change and look to the future, not just the immediate here and now. Check out Suzie Ormann, or Dave Ramsey or Larry Burkett for good advise. Here is an article on $$$$.

Larry Burkett, noted financial author, says, "Money is either the best or the worst area of communication in our marriages." After years as a financial counselor and working with marriage counselors, I know that money and money fights are a major cause of divorce, not to mention the thing we fight about the most.

So if you are married and have money fights, you are normal. But if this is a real problem area for you, there is also an opportunity to improve your relationship and maybe even reach agreement with your spouse. I'm not talking about agreement brought on by surrender, but rather by each person getting a vote, understanding the other's view and finding common ground.

Let's face it – if we can agree on the checkbook, there would be nothing left to fight about except who gets the remote!

Men and Women are Different

When it comes to money, men tend to take more risks and don't save for emergencies. Men use money as a scorecard and can struggle with self-esteem when there are financial problems.

Women tend to see money more as a security issue, so they will gravitate toward the rainy-day fund. Because of their need for security, ladies can have a level of fear—my wife, Sharon, calls it terror—when there are money problems. Men and women are different in how they view money, and it is largely because they process problems and opportunities from different vantage points.

On top of the fact that men and women are different, opposites attract. Chances are, if you're married, one of you is good at working numbers (the nerd) and the other one isn't good at working numbers (the free spirit). That isn't the real problem. The problem is when the nerd neglects the input of the free spirit or when the free spirit avoids participating in the financial dealings altogether.

Marriage is a Partnership

Marriage is a partnership. The preacher said, "And now you are one." Both parties need to be involved in the finances. Separating the money and splitting the bills is a bad idea.

Listen up, nerds. Don't keep the money all to yourself. Don't use your "power" to abuse the free spirit. Free spirits, don't just nod your head and say, "Yeah, that looks great, honey." You have a vote in the budget committee meetings, too. Give feedback, criticism and encouragement. Work on the budget together!

"But what if my spouse won't get on board with me?" many of you wonder. It is tough, but with patience and kindness, your spouse will eventually see the light (don't beat them over the head with the need for a budget, and please don't subject your spouse to a lecture of "Dave says...").

As you work on your money together, you will begin to change your family tree. One of your main goals in your marriage should be to pass a legacy down to your children and grandchildren.

Hypnosis and solving money problems:
Relax and take a deep breathe, together we think of our lives together and how money is a wonderful power.  It buys us a roof over our heads, it allows us to have food, gas for our cars, and takes care of our children, our aging parents (thats for me) and anything that is important to us.  We can't have it all right now, but together we can plan and make our money grow together.  Before we start our budget, lets get our ideas together and see how each of us feels about how we should spend our income.  We are a team, and if either of us is not working, we will figure out together how to get enough income flowing our way, money is just "an idea" it is energy out there and we can attract it or repel it.  If we constantly say "we don't have enough, we are broke, we are poor, it will stay that way.  If we pull together and brain storm, we will attract new opportunities, new careers, new ways of obtaining money and it will flow in our direction.  Take a moment and separately see how money can make your life a little more enjoyable and how you can attract it to your life.  It may take some time, but if you keep working on a financial dream and put in the work to obtain it, it will happen. Just drive down a crowded highway with the traffic backed up for miles.  All those thousands of drivers figured it out They have nice cars, money for gas and they are going some place.  You are just as creative and smart, bring it to you.  Now bring your dreams together, regardless of your expenses, needs, and fantasies about money, talk about them before you come up with a plan. Make sure you don't end up with a budget that forces either of you to become a martyr. This will only bring up resentment.  You are partners, this is your company together, both take responsibility and negotiate from a loving heart.  Be firm about items that you consider non negotiable, and items that you can compromise on.
End with a deep cleansing breathe, how wonderful to be doing this together, knowing that your changes of success are so much better together, work as a team and be positive about your money dialog together.  
Here is to $$$ and power you have as a couple
Doc Judie
judie @docjudie.com
775 782-3889 

Couples Resolution

Greetings from Doc Judie
I am giving you a few tips from  John Gottman's The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work and adding my own hypnotherapy in a script form.  It is interesting to watch couples change, grow, come together, or run for the door!  Most stay and work on the new techniques with degrees of success.  Most report they are glad they came and their marriage or partnership is better because of the sessions and homework. 

Gottman's 5th principal deals with conflict resolution because when an argument takes place, no one is every right! Some things will not change, you may never get along with the in-laws, you may never go to a ball game or a musical together, but it doesn't mean that your marriage cannot thrive anyway. Gottman's advise is to lighten up, give your partner lots of room and know that there is enough good to overlook the faults.  Also for a relationship to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments.  So exactly what do these "happy couples" do when a conflict comes up and they are ready to go into full rage or a shouting match.  

Gottman's says:Soften your startup: Be gentle when you ask for something or complain. Don't use criticism or attack your mate. "I really could use a hand with getting ready for company,  I am overwhelmed and overloaded?" If you soften the bid and prevent going for the jugular the results will be either war or retreat on your partner's part. ( the negative bid would be "Can't you see I am breaking my back while you sit on your ass watching TV). Instead have a meaningful productive discussion. The rest is common sense, but difficult to do when you are angry. So take a deep breathe, think of what you are going to say, don't evaluate or judge and be very clear in your request. Don't be general be specific and ask softly:" Could you vacumn while I start the dinner, I really appreciate the hour that you will be saving me, I might even have time for a quick shower!  When your partner gives in, be appreciative, even if the vacuuming isn't to your standards; it is a compromise-be grateful. It cuts both ways. Another conversation could be " I noticed that there is another dent in the car." How did it happen and how can I help to keep you safe. If you are rushing around on a tight time schedule, maybe I can drop off the kids or help you out. Let me know what I can do." It is better than a harsh "Oh crap not again, when will you learn to drive!"  (would you like to fill in the blanks on how that conversation will end up!)

Hypnotherapy script:
You have come far together as a couple and it seems that you want your future to be happy. Just hold each other for a few minutes before you tackle your problem and take deep breaths together, it will clear your mind. (if your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute you won't be able to hear what your partner is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try) 

 It is obvious that you care for each other, but sometimes the disagreements tend to be negative and they don't have to be.  It will take practice and it won't always work out, but most of the arguments over time can have a better outcome.

If your minds could connect, perhaps you would like to start like this: " I have known you for such a long time that I know this subject will scare you, so I will not be critical, or scare you or make you feel unappreciated.  Before I talk to you I will calm down and say things in a way that you feel safe and know that I still love you.  I will listen when you talk and if things are getting uncomfortable, we will agree to take a break or come back to this subject at a later time.  If I am wrong, I will apologize, lets agree to start again. I will listen to your point and even if I don't agree,I will respect your opinion and I ask you to respect mine.  When we have a disagreement, it is not your problem, it is "our problem.: (O.K. now talk about the dent in the fender or the bounced checks-it will go down easier-give it a try.

Here is to your mental and physical health
and your on-going happy relationship
Doc Judie
judie@docjudie.com
775 7823889 

Bids for your partners attention

Greetings from Doc Judie

The mini series continues on lessons from John Gottman's  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
This blog deals with "bidding" for attention, acknowledgement, sharing, humor, emotional connection and romance. A partnership of saying thanks for a great meal, do you want this section of the paper? I bought your favorite cereal, come in here and look at the sunset with me, etc. are the little connectors that keep a marriage or partnership going strong.  Gottman calls it the glue of a good relationship to stay connected and "turn toward the other partner." It takes an effort to listen, respond and help each other, even the little mundane moments add to a couples stability.  It is a matter of going into the other person's world, seeing how they look at life events.  If this is not the way you interact with your partner, and it is just living side by side, it will take work to turn it around, but like anything else, habits change with practice.

If there is coldness, indifference or fear of rejection, each partner may be dealing with past issues
Talk about the way you were treated growing up, past injuries,hard times,fears and insecurities. You may realize that you are just reacting to old images that keep playing in your head like a broken record.

Hypnosis:
When I see couples in this state, I often use hypnosis and tapping techniques to break the old messages.
My script is individual for each couple, but generally it goes like this:
"We have been together for a long time, some pretty good years, and some rough times.  We are here together because we want our relationship to be better, but we don't know how to do it.  Maybe it is not as difficult as we think, we have just lost our way and picked up some habits along the way.  I want you to know that there are things that I keep to myself, perhaps I don't let you in because I am afraid you will judge me or not respect me.  Sometimes I don't share my world with you and I am tired and not very affectionate.  I don't mean to leave you out and I now change this.  I am willing to take responsibility for my part in drifting apart.  (two minutes of being quiet to come up with ways to change, they can state it in trance to each other or write it and share it later).  Even if we don't show it, we have been together for a long time and we can both make our relationship better in the future (again two more minutes for reflection on how they can make it better).
We agree on letting each other in, sharing our thoughts and listening to each other.  Maybe thats all we need  It may turn around right away, or it could take a little work.  I am willing if you are willing.  (two more minutes for a commitment from each).

Tapping: I do the same type of script starting out in the "negative" addressing the problem, and then turing it to a positive statement.  Even though I have been distant from my partner, I completely accept myself.  By the end statement, "Perhaps I can show more affection to my partner and not be so distant, and I accept myself." (look up the blog on tapping techniques if you are not familiar with this process.

Hope these tips are helping you with your relationship.
Here's to your mental and physical health
Doc Judie
judie@docjudie.com
775 782-3889

Couples; Fondness and Admiration #4
Greetings from Doc Judie

This is a little mini-series of John Gottman Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Gottman is the master of relationships, and I base this not on his research and body of work, but the way the man lives his life.  I was at a Ericksonian seminar in Southern California (2000) and sat behind John Gottman, his wife and his daughter.  They were like 'kids in love" they passed notes to each other, held hands, helped their young daughter draw pictures and really enjoyed each other's company.  How interesting that I noticed him and thought "wow, that couple is really in love, they have such fondness and admiration for each other. I did not realize that I was about to meet the country's foremost relationship expert!  So take it from a man who walks his walk and talks his talk, I am a great fan.

Admiration and fondness are often lost when a couple is hitting a brick wall in their relationship.  It may be right away that things start to slip, or it could be years into the relationship.  There are secret thoughts that go through every couple's head: "If he says that one corny phrase one more time, I am going to blow" Or "why can't she balance the checkbook, how hard can it be"

If your relationship is in trouble, it is likely that there is not much praise, kindness, affection and sex usually falls by the wayside. So how do you get it back? Focus on your past and see if there are a few smoldering embers left of positive feelings. Of course, many relationships will come up empty when there is too much contempt and defensiveness to even remember why you are together. Yet Gottman states that "94 percent of the time, couples who put a positive spin on their relationship history are likely to have a happy future as well. "
Hypnosis:
I use Gottman's tests found in his book and on line Gottman.com, but I also use my own version of regressing my clients through hypnosis to remember what brought them together.  The script does not concentrate on the negative, they are usually giving their problems full attention by the time they come to see me, so the positive aspects are pointed out in this regression session:
"Think back to when you first met, what was the situation, the initial attraction  What was your best date? Your best memory? What  specific qualities make you feel proud to be with your partner. Recall early goals, times that were difficult that you got through together,  funny moments that you forgot about." The body language of the couple will usually tell me if there are some warm spots in the embers, or if they are stone cold.

If there is a slight smile or eye movement (remembering back to the past is often noted by little subtle movements that can be detected through closed eyelids). Sighs, slight smiles and finger movement as well show that the subconscious is engaged in memory) there is hope for the spark to burn brightly once again.  It is not an automatic after one session or an Ah ha! moment of "we still got it!".  It takes work to "keep it!"
More on turning toward each other instead of away on the next blog.
Here's to your mental and physical health.
Doc Judie
judie@docjudie.com
775 7823889

Nurture your fondness and admiration  in a relationship (part #2)

Greetings from Doc Judie
 I am reviewing the principals of a good marriage or relationship, following the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work  by John
Gottman. The last blog discussed the "love map" knowing what your partner is feeling and thinking-being aware of your partner is essential in a good relationship. Remembering a birthday, anniversary, even down to "how old are the kids now" are signs of  being connected as a couple/ family or still living a single life. The second lesson from Gottman is nurturing fondness and admiration for eachother.

Fondness and Admiration: Go back to the first meeting, what was the attraction? What did our partner do that you admired, what traits touched your heart, turned you on, or made you laugh or feel appreciated? If the relationship still has a functioning fondness and admiration system in tack, the relationship is usually in good shape, or salvageable if the history and the memories are still there.  It is emotional laziness at times to take the relationship, the marriage or the family for granted and not make an effort to connect.  Dinner together, Time spent together, holding eachother at night and  keeping the flame burning by small gestures of kindness and affection are -not just part of the courting process, they are the glue that keeps a couple together.

Couples who can remember their history fondly usually still feel admiration and fondness, if they cannot remember their history, or distort any good memories, their relationship usually needs help.  All that "having fun stuff" buffers when the bad times hit.

How hypnosis can help with this process:
I often use hypnosis to jog the memories of what each partner found endearing in the other.  How long has it been since they gave eachother a compliment, did little things for eachother, it is easy to drift apart, it takes conscious effort. During the hypnotherapy portion of counseling, the couples recap (a list that they have each given me of positive traits) they go to times when the partner made them feel accepted, sexy, proud, laughed at jokes,made a special dinner, etc.) Sometimes there is not much on the list and the hypnosis helps the partners remember. Sometimes it confirms that there really was never any fondness or admiration even in the beginning-obviously that is a sign that much work has to be done for improvement. Often there is admiration and fondness but it is buried under hurt feelings and betrayals. 

Through hypnosis, the positive points of a relationship are brought out  for the subconscious mind to process. Memories of the wedding, first time you moved in together, struggling through difficult times together and what you have achieved together Is your life at this point better with the other person in it in spite of all the problems. What are you grateful for that you have never expressed to the other partner. It is so easy to spend all of the counseling session working on the problems, but that is not my focus.  Couples that come to me really want to get better, have a better relationship.  It is important to know that the problems will always be there.  Money may be tight, blended families are always a challenge, different work schedules, different tastes, and always disagreements.  That is all part of life, part of a learning how to be together  The shift comes with the attitude that there is more good things about being together, more admiration, more fondness.  When the concentration is there, suddenly the towels on the bathroom floor, the dirty dishes, long hours at work etc. can all be worked out.  Every day let that partner know your life is better with him/her. Work on your fondness and admiration.
Here's to your mental and physical health and your long loving relationship
Doc Judie
judie@docjudie.com
775 7823889

Moving on through hypnosis

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.”

Greetings from Doc Judie

There seems to be a flood of clients that want to "move on" from their past and have a fresh new start.  Several of them are relocating.  In many cases, I think this is a good idea, a fresh new start, a new beginning, a chance to start over. There is a catch to the move; my clients have to do their homework, clean up their past or it will follow them wherever they go.

Here are a few examples:

Mary loves her husband, she will always love him, and he will always love her, but after ten years of marriage,  he has told her that he is gay. The couple has been working through their transition for over a year. At first they wanted to stay together, but Mary could not live with the life change of her husband.  She has filed for  divorce and is moving across the country to be with her daughter and her grand children from a previous marriage.. In one year, Mary has gone from being devastated to looking forward to a new place and a new life.  She meditates, does her breathing exercises and journels every evening.  She focuses on what her new life will bring to her and has said good bye to her life with her husband. I facilitated a final goodbye session.  It was very touching as both parties have great love and respect for one another. In the final session I gave them the suggestion that they had traveled for many miles together, but now there was a fork in the road, they are each taking a different direction. They will have new experiences, but they may chose to stay in touch with each other after a period of time.  They each said their good byes and were ready to move on, looking forward to their new life without eachother.

My second client has to leave the state of Nevada.  He has been in trouble with his family and the law for gambling debts.  His wife and children have left him and he feels alone and at times suicidal. After many sessions, he started to understand why gambling was in his life.  It was his "quick fix" when everything else in his life was not going right.  He could finally see what a destructive force gambling was and how it was taking away his life, his savings and his family. Amino Balance and Neurolift helped with the impulse control and hypnosis helped him to find a new path. Sometimes when it seems nothing is left, a person has to rebuild slowly and still be able to see a small flame of hope that lives within their soul. No matter how small, it will grow.  He decided that Nevada was not the place for him.  He loved the ocean, he used to sail and contacted old friends in San Diego, California.  He is working on boats and is building a new life.  He never thinks of his gambling days, he has learned from his past, he has moved on.

My third client has lost her job, she has cancer and does not have long to live. Through many sessions she has made peace with her illness and has chosen to enjoy her remaining days doing what she wants to do which involves travel.  She sold her house and feels that for the first time in her life "she is alive' even though it may not be for long. Her message is "live every day like it is your last and you will find happiness." she is ready to move on.

A new place, a new environment, new friends stimulate all of us.  It may be what you need, but don't just jump without doing the work and cleaning up your past or your problems will follow you to your new location.  So if a trip to Europe, living in Mexico,moving to the coast or to the mountains sounds like pure tonic to you...what are you waiting for!  Go with a clean slate, enjoy your new life and find your happiness.
Here's to your mental and physical health
Doc Judie
775 782-3889 judie@docjudie.com

Hypnotherapy for Couples

By the time a couple comes to therapy for a broken marriage, they have been in a stressful situation for a long time. They may have seen one or more counselors along the bumpy road, and hypnotherapy is often a "last resort."  I often have one party to the marriage seek me out privately and cry out "just fix him/or her and make it go back the way it was." That request is like putting toothpaste back in the tube, once out, it won't go back!  So I offer a new solution, "your old marriage is not working or you would not be here. how about a fresh new start?" So instead of just doing normal therapy and fixing the immediate problem, I work harder by using both sides of the brain to sort out the steps that led the couple to my office and "learn" from the mistakes. I start with the basic intake to see where the stressors are lying: Finances, life changes, kids moving out, pregnancies, affairs, drugs, alcohol etc. I then ask them what they do to take care of their health. Are they eating well, exercising, sleeping? I often suggest amino acids as their brain neurotransmitters levels are usually low in stressful situations. The amino acids are specific fuels used to create natural "feel good" chemicals in the body. Usually Phenylalaine, GABA, and Trytophan can restore norepinephrine and serotonin;  the feel good chemicals of the brain.

If my clients don't feel good, they cannot put up with even the smallest amount of stress? Deep diaphram breathing is taught to break tension, learning how to control emotions, stopping throughts before they fly out of the mouth is part of the program,. Finally putting all the problems out on the table and concentrating on solutions and how things can be better

If my couples are willing to work and want the marriage to succeed and get better, it usually does.  I always ask, how bad do you want to fix the problem, and what are you willing to do on your part to make things better.  I then stand back and let them come up with their own solutions.  This is where hypnotherapy comes into play.

In a tense stressful situation where both sides are defensive, I often do not get much cooperation from the conscious, judgemental portion of the brain because it is holding on to its point of view and fighting for it.  When my couples are hypnotized, they relax, they let go of their prejudices and righteous stances and go to the creative subconscious where they can see possible solutions.  I guide them through memories of good times and how they would like it to be,, but they usually do most of the visualization.  Hypnosis does not mean a lot of chatter.  Sometimes just setting the stage, offering a scenario and being quiet is all that is necessary.  The subconscious mind will go where it wants to go and find solutions to the problems.

I find that using hypnosis along with traditional therapy is the best combination of therapy that I can offer my clients.  It is easier on them, more effective and they usually solve their problems (or quit immediately)  If there is hope, they will find the way with their eyes closed!

Here's to your mental and physical health
Doc Judie 775 782-3889 judie@docjudie.com

Building Wisdom Through Hypnosis

Greetings from Doc Judie

Several of the blogs are building blocks for developing or deepening qualities that build your character strengths and virtues, they are the strengths and virtues found in people who lead happy lives, and that is what my practice is all about; living the good life. 

The topic today is wisdom which immediately conjure up an image of dead poets and politicians  (or in this case, Father Time) giving their sage advice to the world!

Think of wisdom in a broader sense of the word; it is referring to your wisdom, you character,

Sometimes you have to quiet down the mind and be by yourself to hear your own thoughts. It will set you right with the world again.

Reflect on the words in this 1968 Broadway Play; Sir Lawrence Olivia is Father Time.

Time

 Stand before me on the sign of infinity all you of the earth.

With the granting of the law of provination, comes the application of change. I will give you the key…and with this knowledge please realize comes the responsibility of sharing it. I will show you the way... It is very simple. Throughout the universe there is order: In the movement of the planets, in nature, and in the functioning of the human mind. A mind that is in its natural state of order is in harmony with the universe and such a mind is timeless. Your life is an expression of your mind, you are the creator of your own universe for as a human being you are free to will what ever state of  being you desire through the use of your thoughts and words;  ah there is great power there. It can be a blessing or a curse it is entirely up to you.  For the quality of your life is brought about the by the quality of your thinking, think about that! Thoughts produce action.  Look at what you are thinking; see the pettiness and the envy and the greed and the fear and all the other attitudes that cause you pain and discomfort. Realize that the one thing that you have absolute control over is your attitude.  See the effect that it has on those around you.  Each life is linked to all life and your words carry with them chain reactions, like a stone that is thrown into a pond.  If your thinking is in order, your words will flow directly from the heart creating ripples of love. If you truly want to change the world my friend, you must change your thinking.  Reason is your greatest tool. It creates an atmosphere of understanding, which leads to caring, which is love.  Chose your words with care, go forth with love.

Now switch your thinking to what you would do if you only had six months to live.  What words of wisdom would you want to give to your children, your loved ones? This happened to Dr. Randy Paunch who has an amazing video on You Tube  called: The Last Lecture. There is also a book out featuring Randy Paunch's last lecture.  His mother introduced him by telling her friends: yes he was a doctor, but "not the kind who helps people" He wanted people to know that it was important to keep humor in tact, even if you are dying.  He explained that his cancer did not show on the outside and he was in the best shape of his life. He demonstrated by doing army style pushups!  This was his list of wisdom to be passed on:
Let your kids have a great imagination, let them paint their room; never lose your childlike curiosity throughout your whole life.
Remember your roots, keep what is important about your past
Loyalty is a two way street; be loyal to the people who are loyal to you
Ask people for help, it is more important to be honest than to "be hip," let them know when you are down, and be there for them.
Don't give up and don't bale; the best stuff in life can be the crap at the bottom of a barrel.
Find the best in everybody. sometimes it takes a long time, but keep waiting,someone will finally show you their good side. Nobody is all bad.
Don't worry about achieving your dreams, what is important is how you live your life; the dreams will find you.
I hope you enjoy the notes from my last lecture, but  they were not for you; I did this for my kids!

I often do sessions with people who feel it is time to reflect on their own lives. What has been accomplished, what is left to do, and what words of wisdom to pass on.  Here is your journey and your discovery on your own brand of wisdom.  See what you are all about.
Doc Judie
Here is to your mental and physical health
775 782-3889 judie@docjudie.com